when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
