i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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