tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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