dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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