I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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