I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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