I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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