I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
pop tarts are not kleenex
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
