i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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