I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
