You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
