Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
