There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
