Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
