if i can run in heels then i can drive
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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