I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
