I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
My ATM looks so different sober.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Randomize
