Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
