If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
