i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
