My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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