3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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