She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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