omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
