she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
