We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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