I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
