If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
