This is not my ceiling
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
