Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
