Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
