I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
