you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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