I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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