I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
