You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
