good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
