My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Everyone says I win the strip club
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
