This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
