I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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