I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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