More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
