I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You're like the curious george of whores
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
