She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
