remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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