All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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