So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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