I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
