she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
