i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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